Our Top 10 Stoner Jokes

1. THE PERILS OF HELL

There were 3 men who all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.

To the first he said, “what was your biggest sin on earth?” and the man replied “Oh man, I just love alcohol and being drunk, man”. So the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description. He put the man inside and said “see you in 100 years” and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied, “oh man, I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife, man”. So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said “see you in 100 years” and locked the door.

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man’s room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.

The devil opened the 2nd man’s door and the man came running out of the room screaming “I’M GAY! IM GAY!”

Finally the devil came to the third man’s room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked; “hey man, got a light?”

2. DON’T DROP THE SOAP!

Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week, all by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper. After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results.

The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper. “How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoking pot?” the judge asks. “Well, I told them the big circle is the size of their brain without drugs and the small one the size of the brain when they get high.” “OK,” the judge replies, “penalty remitted.”

He turns to the second and asks him for his outcome. “Well, I did pretty much the same, but I have made 200 people quit drugs by drawing a small circle first and then a big circle.” “And how come that saved more people from their habit?” “I told them the small circle is their asshole BEFORE they are sent to prison!”

3. THREE WISHES

A pothead finds a strange-looking oil lamp in the trash and rubs it to clean it up, when out pops a genie: "I grant you three wishes for releasing me!" The pothead says "OK, for my first wish: I want a never-ending blunt made from the finest Sour Diesel!" Poof! He has a fat six-inch blunt in his hand. He takes a few tokes and is delighted by the delicious flavour and high, so he sits back and relaxes.

Then the genie says, "Hey, you have two more wishes, remember?" "Oh, yeah ... lemme see ... I'll have two more of these

4. GAS STATION

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, “Got any weed?” The man politely replied, “Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here.” So he left.

The same guy comes back the next day and says, “Got any weed?” The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, “No sir. We don’t sell marijuana.” So the man went home.

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, “Got any weed?” By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, “You freakin’ refer-lovin’, pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don’t sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I’ll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops.” So the stoner left.

The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, “Got any nails?” The man hesitated, then replied, “um, no sir, we don’t sell nails here.” The stoner grinned. “Got any weed?”

5. GET IT RIGHT!

Police Officer to the pothead: “How high are you, son?”
Pothead laughs: “No officer, it’s “Hi, How are you?”

6. CIVIC DUTY

“Hello, is this the FBI?” “Yes, what do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbour Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”, “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?”, “Yep.” “Happy Birthday, Buddy!”

7. APPLIANCE SHOPPING

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, “How much for that TV set in the window?”

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, “I don’t sell stuff to potheads.” So the stoner tells the owner that he’ll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week later, the stoner comes back and says, “I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?” And the owner says, “I told you I don’t sell to potheads!” So the stoner leaves again.

He comes back a week later and says, “How much for that TV?” The owner says, “I’m not going to tell you again, I don’t sell to potheads!!!” The stoner looks back at the owner and says, “How can you tell I’m a pothead?” The owner looks back and says, “Because that’s a microwave.”

8. TODAY’S YOUTH!

An old man walks up to a couple of potheads smoking a joint, and says, “Don’t you know that smoking weed makes you ignorant and apathetic?”

One of the potheads turns to him and replies, “I don’t know, and I don’t care.”

9. THE MAGIC TECHNIQUE

Two stoners visit a new dealer they do not know, and one of them asks for 5 grams of Maroc hash.

The dealer cuts a piece off, slips it into a small bag and then puts it between his lips - he slowly swings his head and then passes the bag to the stoner. "Here you are, 5 grams."

The stoner frowns and says "Dude, you gotta be kidding me, right? You weigh the dope with your lips?!" "Sure man, don't you trust me?" "Well, not really," the stoner replies, "How can you prove it is 5 grams?" The dealer turns to the other stoner and says "Dude, go get my wife, she is in the kitchen - she has this special ability as well."

The stoner walks out of the room and returns after a short period of time - with a crimson face. The dealer looks up and asks "Where is my wife?" "Well, she’ weighing the postman!"

10. JESUS AND THE APOSTLS

Jesus looks down to earth and sees it's going totally wrong - especially that nasty drug problem that all those politicians are talking about. Since he doesn't know a lot about the subject, he sends all his apostles down to earth to check it out for themselves, and report to him.

So all apostles go to different places and after a while they're all back in heaven. Thaddeus brought some LSD with him, Bartholomew scored some coke, Simon the Zealot had been able to smuggle a fantastic piece of Afghan Hash up to heaven. Jesus tries it all and is totally tripping balls. Jesus: "Hey Judas, what did you bring?" Judas: "Uhhm... the cops."

Got a favourite stoner joke of your own? Share it with us in the comments below!

Adam Parsons

Professional cannabis journalist, copywriter, and author Adam Parsons is a long-time staff member of Zamnesia. Tasked with covering a wide range of topics from CBD to psychedelics and everything in between, Adam creates blog posts, guides, and explores an ever-growing range of products.

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